Did you know that sometimes I stare at my blank computer screen with nothing to say for minutes on end? I’ll take a break from doing nothing to check and see if something gripping happened over on Facebook. Nothing did. So I’ll go back to my blank page, wondering what the hell I should write about. But then a really terrible thing happens, I start to wonder why I should write anything at all. I wrote my story. I made 75K words, it’s now time to clean it up, edit it and edit it again. But instead of feeling motivated to work on it, a very stupid part of my brain wishes my blabber mouth hadn’t said anything about the story, hadn’t started this ridiculous blog and started this even more ludicrous journey of trying to a publish a book.
Sometimes I tell people I feel that this process is ridiculous. But my wonderful friends remind me that millions of other people have written and published books, some of which might be worse than mine, so why is it ridiculous for me to try to do the same thing? I can’t argue with their logic.
I have a similar internal argument with myself over showing my horse. Every spring I try to show in at least one Arabian breed show. But about the time I’ve told people I’m working toward that goal, when rubber hits road and it’s time to get to work, I wonder why the hell I would want to do such an absurd thing. Growth is HARD. Getting better at controlling your body in tune with your horse’s body is hard. Writing a book, as it turns out, is also hard. Who knew? But no one wants to hear about how hard writing a book is. What a privileged and hilarious thing to complain about! So I don’t. Okay, I try not to. I’m guessing I do whine from time to time.
The only reason I start talking down to myself about attempting such feats is because I get scared that I might not accomplish what I set out to do. I linger a little too long inside my head pondering the scary what-if’s rather than actually sitting my ass down and doing the work. Whether that work is in a saddle on my horse or in a chair in front of my computer.
I seriously hope I’m not the only crazy person who engages in these kinds of over-analytical-progress-killing-thinkathons. Anyone? Please don’t let me be the only crazy out here on the edge. Please?
At any rate, even though I’m not really into New Year’s resolutions, I will again be showing in the Arabian breed show in our area in April and I want to have my story edited to the hilt and ready for agent queries by June of 2016. These are my goals. You can call them New Year’s resolutions if you want to. I generally think of them as fear-inducing personal growth opportunities. God, do you think I have undiagnosed anxiety? I sure talk about worry and fear a lot (see Why I Promised to Worry Less, Why Does My Saddle Say Die, or Why Horse Trainers Are Horrible People Who I Can’t Live Without). Apparently I also start a lot of my posts with “why.” Thank goodness you find me entertaining.
So I’ll be working toward these two goals and I’ll try not to whine about either one of them, because I would be blessed to be able to pursue, either. But I’m so blessed I can work toward both. And I hope you work toward whatever goals you have, New Year’s resolutions or otherwise.
Whatever your coming year looks like, I hope whatever you want for yourself, you are blessed with.
Happy New Year and happy trails.